03 Jan 12 Options

I sit here, incinerating within my own skin (hot flash), wondering how things will eventually come together. So many ideas, so many options, so much to think about and do.

Do you ever feel this way?

I over-think things. Lots of things. Ok, just about everything. There is this silly idea in my head that once I make a choice it has to be that way, or it has failed. Or that it has to be a certain way to be right. What a misconception of life! All the options are just that, options. They are not ultimatums in which the world will collapse if I don’t do it “right.”

It isn’t such a big deal that I haven’t finished my degree yet. It isn’t a big deal that I haven’t worked outside the home. It isn’t a big deal that I am great at multitasking, and stink at doing only one thing.

Cancer changes everything about us. I find that I am actively reshaping who I am at light speed. I am still not sure who I will be when the dust settles. I thought it would have by now. That was an option: Just not the one that ended up working for me.

Options, choices: Control. That is it. Control. When we have cancer and feel like so much is out of our control, even the options seem overwhelmingly out of our control. So much of our lives go on the back burner during treatment and recovery. So many options we have can have life altering complications during this time. The ramifications of those options, those choices carry such heavy weight. I find myself thinking that other choices carry that kind of weight even when they do not.

At times like that, I take a step back so that I realize what I am doing and I breathe. Just breathe. That clarity that comes with breathing washes over me and reminds me that I am here, I am regaining my health, that I am alright.

It also helps me to remember that my choices as lil ole me are not going to dramatically do anything to the world, so any option will likely work out in the end.


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