01 March 12 Re-evaluating
I have written and scrapped three copies of this post. Let’s try this again…
There are times in life that stop you cold, and make you immediately re-evaluate your life. A diagnosis of cancer is one of those times. Losing a loved one is another. But this last weekend, I was in for one of the more dramatic re-evaluations of my life.
Without wanting to hash through everything yet again, I’ll give the cliff notes version: Sunday afternoon, a 13 year old boy committed suicide in the woods behind our house. His body was in full view of our back yard. We all saw more than we ever wanted to.
In the midst of that horrible day, my husband and I found ourselves reeling over the pain of the family, and the nightmare that we saw unfold, after it was already too late to help. Our boys, who are older, saw something that I had never seen in 41 years, and certainly could have lived without ever seeing. We spent some extra time with the boys who, being boys, told us they were fine and that they were not upset at all by it. But they placated me by letting me hug them after I reminded them that there was a family that could no longer do that to their son. I told them I loved them every time they turned around.
With my cancer diagnosis, I looked at what I still wanted to do with my life. With this event, I found myself looking at I still wanted to do with my boys. I also had the reality of one preparing to leave the house this fall hit me was well. I am realizing that I am not done mothering them in certain ways even though they are teens. I still get to teach them to cook, wash their clothes, balance jobs, school, activities, and social calendars. I still grill them on how to treat a lady, even though neither one is dating now. I still need to help them learn to drive.
The thought of being without them is terrible. So terrible in fact, that I really do not want to spend any time actually contemplating that. But how can I not?
My heart goes out to the family. I cannot imagine their pain. For me, I still need to look ahead. Tonight is another cooking lesson, and reminders of the need to be productive members of the household by actually doing their chores on time.
Maybe, if I am lucky, they will let me hug them again tonight.
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