08 March 2012 Real Control

 

Control is an illusion. I know that. When I got cancer, I realized how little control I had over anything at all. So I, just like so many others, got a bit frustrated and short tempered with others when the little things we could control (such as what to eat) were questioned. We began to guard our little decisions as if they were life itself.

I wanted to control what I would wear. Oh, wait, this doesn’t fit anymore.

I wanted so spend a day at the zoo since it was so nice out. Oh, wait, I had three doctors’ appointments today.

I wanted to take a bath, Oh, wait, my surgery sutures were not ready for bathing yet.

You get the point. Consequently, we gain a fast understanding of what we actually CAN control (next to nothing), and can become rather possessive of those things. I realized the stress I am feeling about the upcoming move is stemming from that little tidbit of left over emotional garbage from my cancer experience.

See, I can’t just pick where I want to live. The Air Force pretty much picks for us. I can’t just pick a house. I have to consider about 50 million things that have to do with other members of my family, and what they want and need as well before we decide. I can’t just pick a date to move, that depends on hubby’s schedule. I can’t pick when the house we are in sells. Shoot, right now I can’t even pick how my house is decorated because we are staging it to try to sell. I feel almost as out of control right now as I did in 2010, and had just had my second surgery.

I remind myself that come July, all this will be a distant memory, and everything will have come to pass with or without my sense of control over it. That is reality. That is OK. That reminder relieves stress.

Breathe in, breathe out. This is only for a time.

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