11Aug 12 Thrown Out

 

You would think that by now this was old hat. Ideally, it was. I have moved a total of twenty-one times in my life.  Yet this recent move has been the most difficult one for me yet. I was not sure why this move was any harder. It was not nearly as complicated as the moves to and from Korea. I’ve moved closer to my family for the first time ever. The weather here is milder. We have everything we need.

So why was this so tough? What was it that was making this move seem so stressful? I have been here for two months, and I felt like I should have had my feet on the ground, and be off and running. I cannot seem to get the house organized to a functional level, thus my brain was not organized to a functional level either. I was feeling over whelmed by the amount of things that I needed to do, and the amount of things available to do; not necessarily all bad, I know.

So this begs that question of how was all of this related to my cancer? I suppose on some level I felt like I was helpless to keep anything from falling apart in my hands, just as I felt so helpless and out of control of my life during the cancer treatment/recovery process.

It took me longer now to settle in and feel “safe”. In the grand scheme of things, it has not been long at all since I have dealt with my cancer, and there are long term ramifications to this process. They do not go away over night. This was normal.

It was just not fun. When we have cancer the world as we perceive it, and interact with it, changes completely. You started over. You found another way, you did things differently. You did not just step out of your comfort zone. Cancer threw you out.

So you found a new comfort zone. In my case, I had not quite found my new zone, and then I moved. So again, I was starting over. I was being too hard on myself, expecting too much so soon. I guess I was still learning to relax, and just let things happen.

Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.

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